Awards for Good Boys by Shelby Lorman

Author:Shelby Lorman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2019-06-03T16:00:00+00:00

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I knew I was being flattened in the relationship I was in when I read these myths. I knew he was taking from me, in the way he talked at me, made my own achievements smaller, forced me to drive all the Big Conversations if I wanted any clarity about what we were doing, manipulated me into essentially breaking up with myself so he could pursue his new, more serious, girlfriend. I knew my own complexities were being erased in favor of a role oriented around his tool—the literal, as in his dick, and the figurative, as in his metaphorical chisel—and that to contradict this was to threaten the comfort of whatever the fuck it was I thought we had.

I stayed with him anyway. It is an odd feeling, knowing you are walking in someone else’s imagining of you, which you fit closely. But it’s not right. “Intellectual knowledge”—the clarity of what you should do—is cleaved from what your heart tells you to do. So there you are, inhabiting a self that’s adjacent to you, that more closely parallels the needs of someone else. I sat back and watched as I became a me that wasn’t me, a me that was compromised, a me that was smaller.

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